I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets sucked in by event comics. Huge crossovers are bug business as witnessed by last/this year’s blowouts Civil War and Infinite Crisis. Both of these storylines spanned nearly the entirety of each universe and to get the full story it was literally hundreds of dollars in comics. Infinite Crisis was the bigger story going back two years in various titles and storylines but Civil War also made a huge impact and is currently being reprinted in sixteen trade paperbacks. These events are obviously making huge bank for Marvel and DC and inspiring smaller publishers to try the same type of large scale storytelling (see Top Cow’s First Born crossover. On second thought don’t, Top Cow sucks). The big question for most of us is “Will this be worth the money and time spent?”. Unfortunately there is no way to know for sure if a big event is worth the dough but there are some factors that can guide you. Is the main title or titles this story comes from worth reading? Are the characters involved interesting to you? Will Micheal Turner draw incentive covers where the women are completely out of proportion and look like they are made of the same stuff as Stretch Armstrong?

A quick aside here. Turner CAN draw properly, I’ve seen him do it. What I have noticed lately is that he spends WAY more time getting the guys correct and just slaps huge tits on whatever girl he’s drawing and hoping no one will notice the complete lack of anatomical correctness. But I digress.

This summer Marvel is throwing two crossovers at us. One involving just the X-Men called Endangered Species and the other the company wide highly anticipated World War Hulk. Are either of these worth the price of admission? Let’s take a look at WWH and ask some questions and you can decide for yourself if it sounds like something you’re willing to dive into.

Where did the Hulk go?

Last year before the start of the Civil War two members of the Illuminati (Reed Richards, Tony Stark) got together and decided that the Hulk was just too dangerous to be on earth. Under the guise of a SHIELD mission Tony tricked the Hulk into going into deep space with the intention of sending him as far from earth as he could. The decision split the Illuminati with Namor quitting in protest and telling them that one day the Hulk would find his way home and kill them all, Dr Strange telling them to never call him again and Black Bolt playing charades again and finally leaving when he realized nobody else was playing. Iron Man’s “humane” plan was to send the Hulk to a planet with dense vegetation and no intelligent life forms so that he could finally be alone and therefore no longer a threat to anyone.

Planet Hulk Part 1: Exile

Shooting someone into space isn’t the exact science you would think it would be. Having the two smartest people on the planet plotting out your trajectory is no guarantee that you won’t run across a random pesky wormhole that would throw you way off course and strand you on a planet of gladiators, insect people and pink guys with their flaccid penises on their chins. The best part is when the power dampening properties of the wormhole you fell through leave you weak enough for high tech weapons like spears and pointy sticks to pierce you previously impervious hide. Hulk immediately finds out who the emperor is and tries to kill him (because that’s Hulk’s way) and instead he get slapped down. He did manage to make a tiny cut in the emperor’s cheek which got him an all expenses paid trip to “the Maw”, the roughest toughest gladiator school in the universe. Here he meets and tries to kill some new friends including a Brood warrior, one of the Moon Men of Saturn (a wacky Jack Kirby creation from the VERY early days of Thor) and a host of other less interesting but still integral members of the team. During their big three round fight for freedom one of their members is slain and one of the other members, a native of Sakaar makes them all “war bound”. Now, no one explains exactly what that means but they act like its a big deal. Other highlights include a plant growing out of the spot where Hulk bled on the ground; An underground band of freedom fighters attempting to recruit the Hulk to which he replied “fuck you very much” (I’m paraphrasing here); and the Silver Surfer getting his ass handed to him by the Hulk in the arena and then blowing up everyone’s obedience disks allowing the people to riot like they live in Watts in the 70’s. Oh, and emperor dickhead has a bodyguard named Caiera who looks great in an armored bustier and just may play a more pivotal role in the future

Interlude- Giant Size Hulk #1
There are two mighty fine tales in this book. The second is a typical Hulk/Banner fight for control where Banner is snarky and Hulk is mad. Not a bad story but simply done to death over the years. The first story takes us back to yesteryear when the Champions were still around. For those of you who don’t remember the Champions was Marvel’s answer to books like Batman and the Outsiders in which you had one popular character (usually the Hulk) and a bunch of second raters (Angel, Hercules, Ghost Rider, etc.) getting together to stop the guys the Avengers felt were beneath them. This particular adventure takes place after the Defenders have stopped a plot by Dr Doom that involved mind control gas and the president is giving them all medals. There is some fun stuff with Herc where he thinks Carter is the current president and the Defenders mock his idiocy by throwing rotten wads of meat at him until he cries. No, wait, that’s a different Hercules story. The plot thickens when Secret Service agent Whatsisname gets a report that Dr Bruce Banner has been seen driving a silver Deloreon on the nearby freeway. The Defenders spring into action and get into a huge fight with a now Hulked out Banner. During the fight Hulk keeps hold of the car as if he is trying to protect something very precious to him. Perhaps a wild eyed old man or an annoying kid? No! Once the Hulk gets away from the Defenders he makes him way to the nearest hospital where he pulls his very sick cousin Jennifer Walters esq. out of the car and delivers her to the ER docs. After realizing their mistake the Defenders walk shamefully away from the thousands of dollars in property damage they caused and mused on their stupidity. Hercules makes a vow that he will one day make it up to his friend Hulk.

Planet Hulk Part 2: Anarchy
The slaves are free, the capital city is in flames from the chaos (and the fact that the Red king keeps catching people on fire) and the Hulk has brought his warbound and the refugees and newly freed slaves from the arena with him into the wilderness. The big plot line in this first half of this four part story is Miek, the tiny little bug guy who keeps talking about being “unhived” and “chemming”. I had assumed chemming was some sort of insect related naughty sex like the horned beetle version of anal but it turns out it means using the hive mind to communicate. Because they are warbound, Miek sees his companions as his hive and chems with them and we learn his story. It’s a tragic tale made kind of funny because its from the POV of a giant talking cockroach but it brings out the rage in Miek to the point that the Hulk has to pull him off a dude. Like any take featuring a talking but Miek spins himself a cocoon and becomes a beautiful butterfly. Or actually he becomes a hulked up version of himself with what looks like armor plating over his suddenly broad chest. If there were any female Miek’s running around he would get so much nookie this would have to be a MAX title. It also turns out that the bodyguard chick isn’t just a bodyguard but a repository for an ancient power called “the oldstong”. She proves herself by taking a Hulk punch and getting back up. Once the Red King decides she isn’t the answer to his Green Scar problem he sends in the “spikes”. These kind of remind me of the face huggers from Aliens but they work faster and completely take over the host body causing spikes to protrude from the host body. It turns out the only thing that can kill the spikes is fire so when he gets infected Hulk tells the Oldstrong to burn him and she turns the flamethrower to 11 and I thought they were going to make out after. After the spikes… HOLD THE PHONE! MIEK FOUND A QUEEN! Ok, she’s gross but I like Miek so I’m happy for the little dude. He kind of reminds me of Fes from That 70’s Show. I bet he loves candy and is constantly horny. I hope his queen is easy. Anywho, after the spikes were defeated the Red King gets even more smarmy and tells his bodyguard she’s in the way and drops a bomb on the little village she’s trying to save. She was holding a little kid when the bomb dropped and as she steps out of the flames and smoke the kid just kind of disintegrates in her hands. That’s when she joined up with the Hulk. Now they’ve made Hulk angry.

Planet Hulk Part 3: Allegiance
There is a song that asks what war is good for. I can tell you. It’s good for the Hulk! The Green Scar and his merry band of monsters gather together and wage a violent and terrible war with the Red King and his minions. Of course, the Red King probably would have done a little better if he hadn’t kept killing his own guys but that’s neither here nor there. In the final part of this story arc we see Hulk the diplomat, Hulk the King and finally Hulk the husband. We also see some shadowy Brood/Miek sex that just disturbs me to no end but I can overlook it as I can’t recall the last time I read a Hulk story that was this well put together. The Hulk and his warbound begin the task of rebuilding a society full of bigotry and hate. A metaphor perhaps for the current struggles in the middle east? Who cares, Hulk kicks ass!

Planet Hulk Part 4: Armageddon

Golly, I wonder what will happen in the Armageddon arc? Well the big surprise at the end of the last arc were the spikes not being mindless evil stick and snot monsters. Hulk talked to the head spikes and they agreed to help him fight the Emperor in exchange for Hulk sending them back out into space where they came from. As Armageddon begins the spikes have been feeding on Hulk so they won’t feed on the people of Sakaar. Honoring the bargain Hulk and his warbound take the spikes into space, pick up their kids at the moon where the Red King stuck them, and off they go. Hulk, for the first time perhaps ever, is completely happy. He has a wife, she’s having his baby and the entire world loves him so of course that can’t last. The ship the Illuminati sent Hulk away in blows up and not just blows up but blows the who freakin planet apart. In a scene that harkens back to Anarchy when Caiera turns to dust as Hulk holds her in his arms. The warbound along with any survivors they could find take the last ship and head into space. Heading towards World War Hulk.